:@:@:@:@:@:@:@
can you tell i'm pissed off
i've had a horrible week and it's only wednesday.
on sunday that ex got in contact with me and i thought we could start talking again as friends because the thing people dont seem to realise is we were really good friends before we dated.
but no
he started talking to me on msn and within the first three sentences he started going on about how we should get back together and how he's changed and blah blah blah.
so i told him straight, i dont want to get together because no matter how much we like eachother we dont work.
which is true, he needs me to be truethfull and tell him everything about my past and show him how i feel. yeah... i dont do that
i dont want to remember my past let alone tell other people about, i've spent most of my teenage life drinking so i forget (which people who know me will tell you) and as for showing what i feel. i think i can count the amount of people that has seen me cry in the past ... i dunno eight years, on one hand. it aint me and thats not going to change.
anyway i left the conversation by telling him it's his choise if he carries on talking to me or not but i would rather be friends with him than have him out of my life
then on monday morning i go on this other website and he's put up this bullshit about how he's going the rest of his life without love and how he thought he could trust and rely on me and that he thought i loved him and all this stuff. he was trying to make me feel guilty. he forgets i know him better than most people. and that doesnt seem like he's changed very much.
so yeah, i think he's ignoring me know. it's a shame really, we were good friends, but hey, i dont have many of them left so whats wrong with having one less right?

and then monday was my brothers birthday. for those who dont know my brother died when i was eight. every year we go to the crematorium where my brothers name has been put in this book thing. i hate it there, all i can think of is how my brother would have hated it there. it's so depressing.
then we go to the beach where his ashes were spread with the whole family. i dont know what happened this time. normally i love it there because it has good meemories. this time it just brought home the thought of all the people i've lost lately. not only the people that have died but the people i thought i could rely on but they havent spoken to me in weeks.

so today i've been just sat in my room, i couldnt face things today. just everything has been going round and round in my head, and i noticed.
all my 'friends' from school. the ones that said that they would be there for me, the ones that i did everything in my power to help, havent spoken to me since i left school.

i spent years trying to help my 'friends' i was there when they were down, or something happened in they're life. i was the one they looked at when something went wrong for me to help them sort it out.
and when i need someone
when i am so .... depressed i think. that i cant even leave my room some days.
now that i am so scared about whats happening to me.
where are you now hmm
are you talking to me now?
are you around?
no
your so wrapped up in your own lives you barely notice anyone else
well screw the lot of you
just remember the next time your feeling as though no ones there for you, and you look around for me, you weren't there for me
so i'm not there for you.


and do you wanna know whats ironic about all of this?
the person you all warned me about being friends with, the one you said was no good?
has been the one that has stuck with me
been there through all my life
so i hope your happy people

onyx
xoxo

hmmm

hmm
not sure what to do atm. i talked about that boy last time. i still really like him but i dont think it's going to happen. we're like best friends and i think we'd find it wierd.=/. it looks like him and his girlfriend aint working out tho. me and her dont get along. not because i'm jelous or anything but because she is one of those people that are so shallow they cant be real. and yet she is. well she started having a go at me ( i may have said a few things before) and she was getting really personal. and then he stood up and told her to back off and leave me alone. so she storms off expecting him to follow her and he doesnt. he stays with me and my mate :D. but again i dont think its happening.
another thing is that i was walking through town with my sister (who i have been staying with for a few days) and i saw a sertain ex that i thought i had got over. turns out not so much.
i didnt even speak to him, i just saw him. we havent spoken for months since we split up and i thinks he wants to speak to me because he put this post up on another website saying he saw 'an ex in town' which i guess is me cos he was talking about the same place. but we dont work as a couple. he wants to know every part of my life and i know that is a good thing but that aint me. i dont tell people everything, thats why i'm talking about this on the pc. i keep secrets from everyone its just who i am. i wouldnt mind being friends with him again but can we just stay friends.
and on top of all of this all i can think of is that i need damien back. i always knew we could be strong together. that we were the same and we understood each other. i just need him back.