:@:@:@:@:@:@:@
can you tell i'm pissed off
i've had a horrible week and it's only wednesday.
on sunday that ex got in contact with me and i thought we could start talking again as friends because the thing people dont seem to realise is we were really good friends before we dated.
but no
he started talking to me on msn and within the first three sentences he started going on about how we should get back together and how he's changed and blah blah blah.
so i told him straight, i dont want to get together because no matter how much we like eachother we dont work.
which is true, he needs me to be truethfull and tell him everything about my past and show him how i feel. yeah... i dont do that
i dont want to remember my past let alone tell other people about, i've spent most of my teenage life drinking so i forget (which people who know me will tell you) and as for showing what i feel. i think i can count the amount of people that has seen me cry in the past ... i dunno eight years, on one hand. it aint me and thats not going to change.
anyway i left the conversation by telling him it's his choise if he carries on talking to me or not but i would rather be friends with him than have him out of my life
then on monday morning i go on this other website and he's put up this bullshit about how he's going the rest of his life without love and how he thought he could trust and rely on me and that he thought i loved him and all this stuff. he was trying to make me feel guilty. he forgets i know him better than most people. and that doesnt seem like he's changed very much.
so yeah, i think he's ignoring me know. it's a shame really, we were good friends, but hey, i dont have many of them left so whats wrong with having one less right?

and then monday was my brothers birthday. for those who dont know my brother died when i was eight. every year we go to the crematorium where my brothers name has been put in this book thing. i hate it there, all i can think of is how my brother would have hated it there. it's so depressing.
then we go to the beach where his ashes were spread with the whole family. i dont know what happened this time. normally i love it there because it has good meemories. this time it just brought home the thought of all the people i've lost lately. not only the people that have died but the people i thought i could rely on but they havent spoken to me in weeks.

so today i've been just sat in my room, i couldnt face things today. just everything has been going round and round in my head, and i noticed.
all my 'friends' from school. the ones that said that they would be there for me, the ones that i did everything in my power to help, havent spoken to me since i left school.

i spent years trying to help my 'friends' i was there when they were down, or something happened in they're life. i was the one they looked at when something went wrong for me to help them sort it out.
and when i need someone
when i am so .... depressed i think. that i cant even leave my room some days.
now that i am so scared about whats happening to me.
where are you now hmm
are you talking to me now?
are you around?
no
your so wrapped up in your own lives you barely notice anyone else
well screw the lot of you
just remember the next time your feeling as though no ones there for you, and you look around for me, you weren't there for me
so i'm not there for you.


and do you wanna know whats ironic about all of this?
the person you all warned me about being friends with, the one you said was no good?
has been the one that has stuck with me
been there through all my life
so i hope your happy people

onyx
xoxo

hmmm

hmm
not sure what to do atm. i talked about that boy last time. i still really like him but i dont think it's going to happen. we're like best friends and i think we'd find it wierd.=/. it looks like him and his girlfriend aint working out tho. me and her dont get along. not because i'm jelous or anything but because she is one of those people that are so shallow they cant be real. and yet she is. well she started having a go at me ( i may have said a few things before) and she was getting really personal. and then he stood up and told her to back off and leave me alone. so she storms off expecting him to follow her and he doesnt. he stays with me and my mate :D. but again i dont think its happening.
another thing is that i was walking through town with my sister (who i have been staying with for a few days) and i saw a sertain ex that i thought i had got over. turns out not so much.
i didnt even speak to him, i just saw him. we havent spoken for months since we split up and i thinks he wants to speak to me because he put this post up on another website saying he saw 'an ex in town' which i guess is me cos he was talking about the same place. but we dont work as a couple. he wants to know every part of my life and i know that is a good thing but that aint me. i dont tell people everything, thats why i'm talking about this on the pc. i keep secrets from everyone its just who i am. i wouldnt mind being friends with him again but can we just stay friends.
and on top of all of this all i can think of is that i need damien back. i always knew we could be strong together. that we were the same and we understood each other. i just need him back.

I HATE doctors
Spent the whole day in the surgery which wasn’t much fun.
Apparently I might be going deaf. I went to the doctors a couple of weeks ago because my hearing was a bit muffled and I thought I had an ear infection but she said no. so I’m ment to be going for a hearing test. But today I went back to the doctors because I have a lump in my ear and she had a look at it and the bitch dug her finger nail in it and made it bleed. So my ear is now fucking killing me and she gave me antibiotics because apparently I have developed a fucking infection.
Confused
Your not the only one
So yeah I may be losing my hearing at the age of 16.
And I’ve got to go see another doctor soon because they think I have depression so they told me to go home and then in a couple of weeks I have to go back and they will have a talk with my parents.
Am I missing something here or am I 16 now? My parents have no right talking to my doctor with out my permission so they can go screw themselves if they think I’m turning up for that appointment.
I’ve done the whole therapy thing, didn't like it that much. So I pissed off the therapist so much she gave up and told my parents I was fine.
So that’s my life atm, filled with medication, doctor visits and therapy.
Sound fun to you?

Onyx
xoxo

another rant :P

Hey
Aint written in here in a while, it’s been a bit mental lately.
I’m just finishing my gcse’s so been busy revising for them (yeah right :P).
But they have been stressing me out, It’s like you cant win.
You do shit at them and I’m a stupid little shit. You do good in them and the exams ‘must be getting easier’ so I’m still a stupid little shit. I think we should get the people that say they are getting easier and make them sit them, see how well they do.

It’s the same every where tho aint it. You look in the news paper or on the tv and EVERY teenager is a knife/gun carrier who sleeps with everything with a pulse, gets pissed every night, fails at school and is an arrogant fucker who doesn’t give a shit about anything.
Yeah, some of us are like that, but most of us are quite good people.
I’m fed up with walking down the street and having people cross over the road and looking at you like you’re a fucking terrorist.

But then again it doesn’t help when that small minority of teens that are everything I said about make it blatantly obvious. Forming stupid little stereotype gangs, and abusing anyone who is different. Walking down the street and I get called a ‘fucking mosher’ and saying ‘do you want to have a go you fucking emo’.
‘nah, tbh it wouldn’t be a fair fight, a 18 year old boy against me, a 16 year old girl. I could probably beat the shit out of you before you could blink love.’
All talk and no action, pathetic little boys who think carrying round knife and guns suddenly makes them a man.
It aint big
It aint clever
And it certainly aint hard people
It just means you to weak to sort things out with out them.

Ahem =/ excuse my rant but it had to be said.

Anyways lol. Back to where we started. It’s been mad round here lately. had and argument with mother and father and left home, just for a day so that I didn't say something I regretted. All I said was that I was going out for fresh air. I had been looking after my sisters three kids all morning while TRYING to revise and make everyone breakfast. So when my mum got back from the shops I asked if she could look after them for half hour while I get some fresh air, but no. apparently I agreed to look after them so they were my responsibility. The fact that I didn't agree with anything and I woke up in the morning to find the kids wrecking the living room. So I waited till my sister picked them up and went to leave the house and mum started having a go again so I just walked out. Stayed at a mates over night then went back the night after. Nothings changed, they grounded me then just carried on like nothing happened.

I swear as soon as I get the money, I’m off.

And last of all, there may be a new boy on the scene. Well not really new, I’ve known him for ages, he’s like one of my best mates, but I dunno he seems to be there for me.
It’s hard tho. I keep feeling as tho I’m cheating on Da.
And another bad point, he has a girlfriend. She’s a really air head Barbie bitch type. I used to think she had a personality under the makeup some where but nope, she just a shallow little bitch deep down to. and he knows it. every time people see us together they ask if we’re a couple because we’re that close. But nothings going to happen
For sooo many reasons.
Thanks for reading
Onyx
xoxo

remember a time when you could do stuff with out people looking for a reason behind it. like sometimes your feel like getting completly rat arsed, but no, there has to be something your trying to block out of your mind
tis a load of bullshit tbh and why is it when someone dies, people expect you to be this wreck. then when your not, instead of being happy for you, they act as tho your a mental patient.
i mean come on people, do you honestly think that he would have wanted me to break down cos i dont.
so no people i'm not in denile
no i'm not blocking stuff out
and yes i did love him so stop worrying about me because nothing is wrong.

first post

ok i guess this is my first post on here. have to admitt i feel like a complete and utter twat but here goes. i want to talk about something in my life that i cant talk about with people face to face. i found out a couple of weeks ago my first real boyfriend had died. he took a overdose and died before anyone could get to him. the worst thing is, we had just started talking again. you see he had to move to france a couple of years ago for a reason i'm not going to get into. this pissed me off so much a deleted his number i got rid of any trace of him i had which included photo's so i dont even have that reminder of him. all i have of him is a necklace he gave me for my birthday just before he left for france. so yeah you think thats bad enough right. well it gets worse. his parents (who never liked me in the first place) decided to ring me the other week and tell me that it was my fault he died. apparently he started getting depressed after he moved, and it was apparently my fault they made him move country. they told me that he got worse after i started texting him again, so as you could imagine that made me feel bloody brilliant.

all this is happening and gues who i have to talk to, my phyco best friend who delights in winding me up and making this whole thing ten times worse for me. he offers me the drink and yes drugs (i didnt acept the drugs before you start).

so yeah kinda heavy for a first entry but you know.

thanks for reading

onyx

xoxo